she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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