I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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