i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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