The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
