I've blown a few things in my day
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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