Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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