drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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