Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
