I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
