im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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