I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
that may or may not have been my penis.
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