You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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