In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
