I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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