theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
