he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
