He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
