you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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