when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
