I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
