Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
