if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
