I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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