there's paper in my vomit.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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