I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
