I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
