Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
