last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
