So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
