i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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