I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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