I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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