If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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