You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
