I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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