FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
