So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
