When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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