We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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