It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
