When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
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