How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
