I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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