If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
