My boss' voice literally gives me gas
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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