The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
