I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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