this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
