i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Randomize
