doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
