if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
