Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
