everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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